For starters, I’d like to officially wish all of you Disaboomers out there a very Happy Halloween.. My “arctic mermaid” costume went off with a splash, and everyone loved it. It helps having a girlfriend who knows her way around a sewing machine because this tail my friends, would have been IMPOSSIBLE to find anywhere.

So with that out of the way, let me bitch for a spell about house parties post-injury: They’re just not fun anymore to put it bluntly. And I consider this a great travesty, you see. I went out of my way to persuade my Dad to buy me one of those $500 aluminum portable ramps last X-Mas, to be able to get in/out of most houses (it clears 5 steps max), but I’ve found that getting inside isn’t the end all and be all.

At house parties, most everyone already knows each other and tends to be a bit cliquey. And if you’re one of those unfortunates who doesn’t know a lot of the other guests, and you also happen to be in a chair, you can consider yourself officially screwed. Why? Because most people will get freaked out by your disability and give you the ”Why you even here?” sneers, basically making you feel very unwelcome. I hate it. I’ve heard this is an American thing, btw. Europeans I’m told could care less about the presence of a wheelchair.

You also have to take in the fact that the layout of the house will likely not be very chair-friendly, making rolling around and mingling, introducing yourself to others, etc, next to impossible. So because of this annoying factoid, folks will have to come to you. And let’s be honest here: Who in the Hell is going to come up to a girl in a wheelchair who’s been virtually parked in the same spot for over 2 hours straight, sipping her beer, “seeming” anti-social, but is really just a prisoner of her own disability? That’s right, not many people at all.

I believe an accessible bar next Halloween will be a MUCH better decision on my part. People at bars are usually more open to meeting new people (since it’s public afterall), and of course the whole “being accessible” thing doesn’t hurt either.

Live and learn, folks.

I’m a complete C6 quad who drives from her power wheelchair. My wheels? Well, it’s a 2006 Dodge Grand Caravan (in a sexy silver), with a Braun Entervan lowered-floor system. The driver’s seat is not there, but don’t freak. It’s supposed to be that way. Instead, I pull up behind the wheel in my chair, with the underside of my wheelchair automatically locking into the floor as I pull up all and snuggly near the wheel (thanks to my handy EZ-Lock lock-down system). It’s a great set-up. And to operate the gas and brake? Well, my van’s outfitted with pneumatic hand controls (”air-powered,” via a tiny motor located behind the back seat that fills up the lines with air). We live in an amazing age, folks. The technology available to us gimps allows us to do things people 100 years ago would gawk at in complete shock.

But it isn’t always peachy-keen in the driving world for me. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve parked in a “van accessible” spot only to be blocked in by some oblivious, selfish American who is only aware of any living and breathing thing that’s in a 1 foot radius of them. It’s ridiculous. And I have a huge 6″x6″ sticker on the side of my van where the ramp is, just to let people parking next to me know that I need AT LEAST a 6 foot span between my car and theirs, in order to get in and out of my van without. I even know one paraplegic woman who’s devised an orange cones with strings device, that she puts up every time she parks, just to make sure the other idiots bumbling through the parking lot can blatantly see that she needs “this specific area” to remain unblocked.

Even this method though isn’t fool-proof though. There are still some selfish bastards out there that will not hesitate to put their car in park, hop out and move that poor lady’s orange cone blockade, then hop back in their car and park right alongside her van. And do you think they are even aware of why she erected those cones? Of course not. This type of selfish denizen has no time to waste pondering why people do what they do; and especially not the disabled people of this world. We’re the very last on their list of people they’d give a care about.  

So here’s what Miss Tiff has developed during her years of being a disabled driver: Park sideways!! Yes oh yes my friends, I’m that loathsome jerk parked in the back of the lot, not only parked at an angle, but purposely taking up two spots on purpose. Cause really, what other choice do I have? When I’m out driving, 95% of the time I’m alone and have no able-bodied person with me who will be able to back-up my van if I end up getting blocked in and unable to access my ramp. I just can’t take the risk.  

I simply have no choice: I have to be the jerkwad who double parks. The “van accessible” spots rarely prove sufficient.  

OMG…aren’t these just about the coolest thigh-highs ever created?!

StockinGirl sells these “Tattoo Parlour Thigh Highs” for $22.99, but since they’re so incredibly unique, they’re on back-order.

Something tells me these stockings are worth the wait though….

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it once again: The absolute best way to dress-up otherwise atrophied paralyzed, skinny legs, is to go the printed tights/thigh-highs route.

You can thank me later

-Tiff

Halloween is just around the corner. And for me, a wheelchair-using lady, the yearly dilemma is always, “What can I be that gel well with my wheelchair?”

It’s not an easy proposition; no. I like the “chair” to work well/appropriately with my costume. Last year, was a a horrible disaster. I was Daryl Hannah’s character, “Pris,” from the famous 1980’s sci-fi Ridley Scott flick - “Blade Runner.” I came up with a great replica of the costume, but the wheelchair being a part of the costume was unavoidable. At every house party I went to, the geeky guys who knew who “Pris” was is in the first place, referred to me at the chic who was ”Pris is the wheelchair.” Not exactly the comments I was going for, but then again, it was unavoiabable. I can’t magically conjure up a way to walk every Halloween Eve. I had no choice but to be a disabled version of “Pris.” Tre sucky…

So this year I’ve come up with a genius solution to this annoying costuming dilemma. I will be going as a mermaid. Why? Well, let’s face it: If a mermaid actually existed and wanted to go on a land excursion out of her beloved ocean, she’d had no choice but to use a wheelchair. Yup!

Can you prove to me any different? Of course you can’t, because you know I’m right A mermaid could either crawl, be carried, or use a wheelchair; so I figured a wheelchair would “fuse” perfectly with the mermaid costume idea. After next Wednesday, you can be sure I’ll post plenty of pics of me in my “Artic Mermaid” costume, for all of you beloved BA’ers to view.

For quad chics with little to zero balance, being “on-top” (as the kids these days say. oh those snarky kids!) can be quite the tricky proposition. And since many guys love this position, our collective desire to overcome this challenge is frequently on the mind of many a lower-level quadess (or a high to mid para as well). 

But there are ways to climb that mountain; oh yes! Here are two very cool sex aids that will help you achieve this coveted summit.

- Liberator Shapes: With the Wedge/Ramp combo for $238.00, being on-top (as you can see from the lovely pic above) can be easily achieved.

- Intimate Rider: With the SCI female in the seat, you can at least be face-to-face with your lover, instead of on your back. This toy is a bit spendy. It runs at $495.95.

- Tiff

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Ok, so I’m really an Agnostic to be truthful (The “I don’t care, yet I have morals; and don’t necessarily rule out the possibility of God existing” Religion), but sometimes - yes - I like to delve into the realm of Goddess-based religions (mainly out of my Femi-Nazi streak).

So, during my self-absorbed Pagan studies, looksee what I came across while searching for some frelling cool Goddesses to admire:

Freya - Goddess of Love and Beauty

Now, why is she so perfectly cool for the wheelchair-using ladies of this world?

Why, she uses a chariot of course!

Now if you ask me, any Goddess who permanently resides her arse on a wheeled-transport device of any kind, is my kind of Goddess.

“Freya or Frayja, the goddess of Love and Beauty, also; fertility, war, and wealth. The daughter of Njord, and the sister of Frey. Her daughter, by her husband, Od, is named Hnoss, who it is said: “Is so beautiful that whatever is valuable and lovely is named treasure after her….

Norse legend tells of Freya, whose chariot was pulled by two black cats. Some versions of the tale claim they became swift black horses, possessed by the Devil. After serving Freya for 7 years, the cats were rewarded by being turned into witches, disguised as black cats. The cats also played around her ankles as a symbol of her domesticity.”

Freya definitely gets my Brownie Points for “Cool Shite o’ the Day.”

And out of curiosity:  Who would you worship if you had to pick an inanimate object?

- Tiff

Direct from CNN: The Truth Behind Earrings, Bikinis, Sport Bras, and More

Nothing to cap off a Friday like some useless fashion trivia, don’t you say?

- Tiff

I’m currently infatuated with these Hibiscus Print Sheer Thigh Highs.  

I’ve bought several pairs of StockinGirl’s wickedly awesome printed thigh-highs before, and have always received the best compliments ever, ranging from, “Where did you buy those?!” to (the funniest), “Are those tattoos?”

‘Cause when you wear a skirt with these printed thigh-highs, some dolts actually think they’re tattoos.

Pretty amusing stuff, not to mention a great (and easy) way to accessorize from a chair.

Price: $22.99

- Tiff

I was at Target yesterday (spending some of my extra writing cash) looking for things to add to my Fall wardrobe, and I came across this winner: Merona Fiona Skirt.

I’m recommending this skirt to you - female citizens of Wheelchair Universe - for a multitude of reasons. They are as follows:

- It’s at Target. Targets are everywhere. Duh.

- It’s cheap. $19.99, ladies. Me likey cheap prices.

I also must mention why it meshes with our lifestyle: It’s made out of cotton and it has an elastic waistband.

Oh yes, elastic. You heard me right. Every woman’s BFF.

And one more thing (as a total non-sequitor), we ARE the original roller girls of this world. Don’t let any 20-something hussy on rollerskates wearing ruffled panties tell you any different

 - Tiff

You may or not be aware of this, but I’m a huge fan of Gwen Stefani. Like, HUGE fan!

So much so, that I recently bleached my hair a cool blonde with an 11 toner nonetheless, because her looks have inspired me so. For the record, I’m not one of those MTV loser wannabes who want to be just like their favorite celeb . I’m just influenced by her glamour

So with that out of the way (whew!), here’s a quick and easy way to get Gwen’s oh-so-sexy deliciously red, trend-setting lips (which are, by the way, VERY “in” this fall) :

Step 1: Buy Benefit’s d’finer d’liner ($18.00) to invisibly line your lips. Line your lips before applying the lipstick. This liner goes great with any shade actually and helps prevent the red lipstick from feathering (which basically means smudging).

Step 2: Buy MAC’s Russian Red lipstick ($14.00). Apply with a lipstick brush if you have one, but it’s not necessary. As a C6 quad with zero finger movement, yet decent wrist control, I can put my lipstick on straight out of the tube without a mirror even. Yeah, I rock What can I say?

So, for $32.00 in makeup purchases you can now have exquisite Gwen-like lips, and be all uber-glamorous. Have fun kissing napkins, boyfriends, girlfriends, and love letters with your new shade!

“I’m just a Hennepin County girl, living in an extraordinary world…”

- Tiff