Velcro + a brand new pair of pantyhose DON’T mix.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming…

- Tiff

There’s something about touch lamps that makes this C6 quad a happy girl. I mean, all you gotta do is touch them - ANYWHERE - and then voila! “…and then there was light!”

Anyways, I went and bought myself a very cool modern touch lamp from IKEA last week (it’s in my living room next to my couch), and it’s increased my happiness level by at least 50% (for now…of course being human, that’ll eventually change).

It even has a dimmer “switch” (which really isn’t a switch; you just hold your hand up against it for a few seconds and it’ll start dimming).

What I bought: IKEA Stockholm table lamp

Price: $69.99

Ok, off to touch my lamp again…

- Tiff

I was in a hair show yesterday and got my hair done like Marie Antoinette!

For the rest of the pretty pics, clicky here.

Too bad I had no fake birds to stick up in there…or butterflies, or fake hair for that matter.

- Tiff

PS. I highly recommend Sophia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette from 2006, starring Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzmann, Rip Torn, Asia Argento, and Molly Shannon.

Here’s what you get when you combine a Photoshop snarky man and a wicked sense of humor.

Someone once told me that Sarah-Jessica Parker had a horse face. Maybe this Photoshop guy had the same idea?

I salut thee, www.planethiltron.com, for making me smile on a blah Saturday where I’M SWAMPED WITH WORK.

- Tiff

PS. The Tom Cruise one and The Olsen twins ones are also hilarious. Some look obviously fake, but hey, they’re still good for a laugh.

It might be mighty hard to swallow the idea of buying maternity jeans if YOU’RE NOT PREGGERS, but the Gap has some seriously awesome Demi panel Long and Lean jeans that are the perfect solution for those who can get their pants on themselves, but can’t fasten the buttons.

The “Demi panel” is essentially an elastic band that’s in the place of where the buttons/zipper would be. And if you’re wearing a longer shirt that covers that panel, no one will be the wiser as to what kind of jeans you actually got on.

Keli, a para, recently gave me this stellar tip. She particularly adores the Gap’s Long and Lean style (as do I) because they tend to look the best in a seated position. Even though the Demi panel jean is expensive ($68.00), it’ll be worth it if it gives you the freedom again to wear jeans without anybody’s assistance.

Baby is not included.

- Tiff

Oxygen+ is like an oxygen bar that’s with you wherever you go.  And with the shitty air that we all usually breath day in and day out, getting some deep breathes of PERFECT oxygen can really do wonders for your health. I’m a huge proponent of oxygen bars (I particularly love Oxynate at the Mall of America. $20 gets you a massage chair treatment with a soothing sounds headset, flavored oxygen, a head massage, and a shot of something way stronger than Red Bull).

Some hot guy gave me a sample of Oxygen+ in the skyway last week (in peppermint flavor), and I’ve been huffing and puffing it daily ever since (you get 20 puffs from each can). The 95% oxygen-enriched air comes in these cute little aerosol cans and cost $21.00 for a pack of 3.

They come in two flavor options: Peppermint and Pink Grapefruit. I’m partial to grapefruit because it’s a proven fact that citrus scents can help improve your mood. If I could find a decent way to do it, I’d have my whole condo smell like a combo of orange/lemon/and grapefruit actually. THAT’S how much I love citrus scents.

- Tiff

Mattresses say a lot about us, and if they could talk, girl, they’d be dangerous. I’d have a knife to my mattress’ tongue in seconds; permanently rendering it mute.

Here’s a perfect song that encapsulates this very idea: 

Mattress by Atmosphere

- Tiff

PS. Atmosphere is a great hip-hop group out of Minneapolis. LOVE them.

Something must be said for the phenomena, the draw really, of kids towards the mighty joystick.

There’s something about the wheelchair joystick that just screams for kids to come and play with it. And I gotta say, as much as I love me a cute kid, having random, strange kids reach for my joystick unbeknownst to me and accidentally run themselves over IS NOT something I want.

Hey, I’m a poor writer. I can’t afford to be sued by some pissed-off parents. Screw you. It’s not my fault your kids can’t keep their little grubby hands to themselves.Even my 1 year old neice, who is barely aware of the world around her, hones in on my joystick like a tiger to raw steak. I can’t explain it. It’s seriously the weirdest thing ever.

Maybe it’s because my joystick is shaped like a huge, over-sized nipple, and subconsciously the kid is drawn to it just because she just wants to suck on it. Maybe that’s true for the younger kids (ha), but for the older kids, say…the 5 - 7 years olds (after 7 they usually know better), well, these kids just see my joystick as an opportunity to practice the video game/XBox/360/etc skills, or something to that effect.

What am I? A rolling practice console?? 

So after dozens of incidents where tiny little kidlet hands have grabbed onto my joystick without me knowing and driven me around like an old lady drunk on Jager, I’ve learned to hone some skills of my own. Oh yes. I call it the “Flip Off and Cover” method. Once I see their eyes gravitate toward my apparently tasty black ”nipple,” I turn it off and hide the joystick in the crook of my elbow. Disaster averted, and then the kid must now find something else to entertain him/her for that 10 second interval.

Apparently there really is “joy” in handling the “stick” afterall. After 14 years of using one, I guess I’ve forgotten there was a novelty about it. Bizarre…

- Tiff

Will.i.am is seriously the best thing to come out of The Black Eyed Peas. 

Forget Fergie (God she’s annoying). He’s like JT of N’Sync. The only real fucking talent.

I’m totally in love with his song, “Get Your Money,” right now. Love, love, love it. 

Listen!

You’re looking at it, folks: The Shoprider Scooter

For $6595.00 you too can have this ENCLOSED (with wipers even!) scooter, that can be your new favorite mode of transportation. Forget your legs, your bicycle, or your Hooveraround Chair, this all-weather scooter is the NEW way for lazy folks AND old folks alike, to get their asses around town.

At least (bleh) it runs on a battery.

Conclusion: Do I think this goes too far? A big, resounding yes.

- Tiff