Look Exceptionally Well, Or Be Ignored
A revelation I’ve had today about being a chick in a chair….
I’ve found over the years that I only get genuine attention from really sexy men (that are universally impressive catches) when I only look as hot as Christie Brinkley, Uma Thurman, or some other perfect-looking model. The chair is to blame, people.
These type of men (men that able-bodied women fall head over heels for) would only consider being with me - a crippled woman - if I look above and beyond hotter than any able-bodied girl they know. And being that I know this, I put more than your average effort into how I look.
Do you realize how stressful and exhausting it is to live up to the standards that are now on me because of my injury? I used to model and can look better than most….but why do I have to make myself look “model-perfect,” and not be a natural carefree-blonde, in order to attract just the Average Joes?
So it was only just a matter of time, but lately I’ve honestly stopped caring. Curling my hair, wearing the hippest clothes, sexy shoes, getting waxed, applying self-tanner, whitening my teeth every three months, doing my MAC makeup like the pros (which I can do), takes a very long time, especially since my GODDAMNED FINGERS DON’T MOVE. So this summer, I’ve been in “I don’t give a shit mode.”
Just look at this pic of me from CONvergence a few weeks ago (right). I’ve purposely darkened my hair to a natural blonde, I’ve stopped wearing foundation (I can hear the Southern belles screaming as they read this), and I’ve learned to enjoy looking and acting goofy. It honestly makes me much more happier than looking perfect all of the time.
With this change though, the drop in men noticing me has been excruciatingly noticeable. It’s hard to get used to, but really….I’m starting to really not give a shit AT ALL. If a dude is going to not going to see me because I look “average,” he can not exist in my world view anyways.
Life is too short to be hyper-sensitive to what these asshats think. Having to look exponentially better than my able-bodied female counterparts, just to get treated equally treated by men, really, seriously is, the dumbest, most unfair thing I’ve come to learn about life with a disability.
I’ve arrived at the next level of enlightenment, people. Nirvana here I come.
- Tiff
Note: This blog entry does not in anyway insinuate that I have a low self-esteem, or fear I’ll never find a man who will like me. So please annoying dudes, stop sending me letters, k? I’m talking about a growth in my personality, a revelation regarding the perception of disability, I’m not crying for a man in my life. Men are overrated anyways. I know I can get a man when I want one, I just hate having to work so hard on my looks to do it. It’s lame.
How was the top photo taken?
i was on my back on a couch. i used to do some modeling to help photogs beef up their portfolio. still do sometimes.
It’s cool, I like it!
I’ve noticed the same thing, but I’ve also gotten the “You look too good to be in a chair–are you faking it?” stare. Like I’m doing it for fun or something. Either way, it can really hurt sometimes. I used to ask my boyfriend to go for me if I didn’t really have to be present for something.
I’m not proud to say it, but before I got hurt, I was uncomfortable around people with disabilities, too. I have no idea exactly why, but I was. At my grandfather’s funeral, I couldn’t even look my cousin with cerebral palsy in the eye. I’d only just met her, but I still feel really bad when I think back on it.
I’m only just letting go of all the BS I used to think was so important. I’m just learning to love myself for who I am, rather than hating myself for who I am not. It used to be that I’d drive an hour and a half to shop in a mall where I wouldn’t be recognized. I’ve always been insecure (stupidly) about everything from my weight to my skin color to my love life, but I’m learning to let go of those and this new issue that’s cropped up.
I’m really glad I found this site while surfing a few days ago. It really helps me feel better, and gives me hope as well as encouragement. Thanks, Tiff!
^^^I know, its really unfair. But I’m SUPER competitive, so chair or no chair, I’m not stepping foot out the door ”no cruel pun intended” without my MAC…….
How great is it to free yourself of the push to please. To please everyone that expects a woman should look a certain way. Good for you. You are gorgeous and it shows. Don’t confuse the need for looking your best with the want of looking your best. It’s fun to pamper yourself with what we all love as being feminine…it’s necessity to be yourself at all times. I hope you never feel you have to be someone else to please a man.
tiff, you have hit the nail right on the head. i also have no self esteem issues but have been forever putting extra, time-consuming effort into my looks just to get treated equally. granted, i’m MUCH older than you and time is starting to tell that on my face, but i’m sick of having to spend an hour and a half getting ready for work (i have cp, so even tho i have use of my fingers it takes me much longer than most to get ready for the day), when i look at other ladies that get away with just rolling out of bed with zero effort spent on appearance. i’m sick of it. i go to great lengths - tanning in the summer, having my hair high-lighted often, buying great clothes, and spending a small fortune on makeup and products - for what? just to appear average? to men? i agree with liz. i do “want” to look my best, but i’m starting not to care as much.
Coming from someone who saw you at CONvergence, what struck me wasn’t the wow-she’s-hot factor (which you most certainly have in spades), but the confidence with which you carried yourself. Confidence is sexy, chair or no.
magic, ty hun *kiss* i sometimes think my confidence sucks, but really its not bad. i just have my “moments” when it’s subpar. howve u been?
You make a really good point Tiff. I’m glad you’re finding that you’re happier just being yourself and not trying to look perfect. After all, what good are men when we don’t feel good about ourselves? I’d rather be happy with myself and not have a guy than get hit on all the time but not feel great about myself. And you’re right, if they only want us when we’re all done up and fancy looking, we don’t want ‘em anyway. At least I don’t!
i just want to thank everyone for your insightful comments. it’s comforting to hear other women can relate
MagicMarmot is right. Beauty may get you through a door, but it doesn’t actually sustain very long. Youse gots’ta have substance to back it up. And in the long run (or even short run), it’s confidence and personality that trump all and create all the sparks anyway. So super-kudos to you for realizing that it’s perfectly acceptable and normal to be happy with oneself alone and as is. It’s only then that we’re really portraying ourselves honestly and maybe have a hope of stumbling across anyone compatible.
I’ve never worn makeup, dressed trendy or gone to any lengths to get male attention and have gotten plenty of it from sexy men. I find when you get right down to it the good ones , really don’t give a shit!
I just saw this video before reading your blog. I think you may appreciate it. It’s a commercial for not giving a fuck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wS5xOZ7Rq8